One year later...

At this time last year, I was anxiously awaiting Andrew's arrival. (Don't worry, this post is NOT a story of my labor and delivery).  I had no idea that life was about to change forever. Prior to having a child myself, I couldn't fathom giving up things I loved for a baby. As I stated in an earlier post, I thought it might be nice to have a flexible baby. You know, one that we could take wine tasting and out to nice dinners and such.


What I didn't realize was that you don't choose your baby- your baby chooses you and comes with a personality all their own.

Lately, I have been thinking about how people categorize babies as "good" or "bad/difficult" based on how little they interrupt their parent's lives. A baby is "good" if he or she naps easily, sits quietly at meals, doesn't fuss, etc. "Bad babies" are ones who cry, don't sleep well and don't want to be contained.

Why are these babies "bad/difficult?" It is simply that different babies have different dispositions, just as we adults do.

When I was not a parent, I used to hard-core judge parents and their kids in public and categorize them into the "good" and "bad" camp. The baby sleeping quietly on an airplane? Good. The little boy running up and down the aisles at the grocery store? Bad. The toddler sitting nicely in his highchair at a restaurant? Good. The baby who wouldn't sit in her stroller at Greenlake? Bad.

You get the picture. I figured the "bad" babies were that way due to the fault of the parents. My baby would certainly follow directions because I would know how to parent.

Then along came Andrew. He was fussy, and I mean really fussy as a newborn. He would only sleep if I walked with him for miles everyday. I always see pictures of other people's babies on Facebook with a caption reading " __________ just fell asleep while playing with her toys! How cute!"

Andrew has NEVER just fallen asleep while playing, even as a newborn. He was angry a lot, and I know now that he was mad because he wanted to move.

As he got older, he became a happy, charming little gentleman. He (luckily) was able to sit and crawl at a young age, which gave him the freedom he craved.

He started walking around ten months and gets loads of attention every where we go, because it does look funny that someone so small is out and running about. However, when he is confined against his will  (such as in a high chair, stroller or grocery car) he becomes a "bad" baby.

The other day, he threw a full on tantrum at the store because he wanted to hold the loaf of bread as we went around the store. Rather than trying to prove a point, I let him hold the damn bread. I had shopping to do, so leaving would actually punish me rather than him. I knew other parents were looking at me, judging me and my "difficult" child or questioning my parenting skills.

On most days, he will move continuously for 2-3 hours, refuses to let us read him books (we have actually memorized the books and "read" them in the car), refuses to stay in his bouncer for longer than five minutes,  and takes a two minute bath because he won't sit in the bath tub. We have realized that going out to eat is no longer fun unless there is a play area.

Today, we celebrated his birthday with some family at a local ice cream shop. There was another boy also celebrating his first bday. This little boy was sitting quietly on his dad's lap for the entire hour they were there! My little guy? He was running around the shop holding balloons and yelling. And also maybe taking the other little boy's ice cream spoon.

However, I don't think he is a "bad" baby at all. High energy? Yes. Opinioned and strong-willed? Undoubtedly. But, "bad or difficult?" No.

See, what I didn't realized until almost a year ago today is the unconditional love that I would feel for this special little boy. Sure he won't sit down and let me read to him anymore, but I love watching him chase Teddy around the house. And tonight, when we was shrieking and running in the sprinkler, I couldn't stop smiling. If he was a "good" baby, would my life be easier? Most likely, but it certainly wouldn't be as fulfilling or fun as it is now!

Happy Birthday, Andrew Walter. You are my rambunctious little guy and I love you very much. Don't every change, because that strong personality is what makes you incredibly unique (and adorable) and I wouldn't have it any other way!

Pet Peeves, part 2

"Pet Peeves" because...why not?

1) When I am on a run and cross paths with a person smoking a cigarette. Totally ruins the fresh air I am trying to breathe and always seems to linger in the air for the next few meters.

2) Parents that suck and don't do their jobs, and then expect the school to handle their kids.

Example: A mother of a student of mine had to come in for a conference after her son was very disrespectful to my substitute teacher. This student is...well, a complete asshole (sorry, no way to sugar-coat it). When I met the mother, I realized from whom he inherited his shining personality. Before I could speak, she says, "I feel like I shouldn't have to come to this school unless my son beats the shit out of somebody! Can't you guys just send him to do detention in the office or something?"

True story

3) Pouring a nice cup of coffee in the morning, only to realize the creamer is gone.

4) When shows that are "On Demand" don't allow fast forwarding.

5) Annoying neighbors.

Example: My 45-year-old neighbor, who is mooching off his mom, smokes weed in his car ALL day and has no job. He likes to complain that the people doing maintenance on our townhouses aren't working hard enough, and points out people who are "white trash" or "bad neighbors." Have you looked in the mirror buddy? I don't know if this is really a pet peeve or just situational irony?

6) Still not knowing who "A" is on Pretty Little Liars. I have been watching the show for several years now, and every season I think we are going to find out...nope.

7) When you see the movie after reading the book. I just saw Divergent and was disappointed with the cutting of major scenes and the rearranging of others. In a way, I was also secretly glad, because we read the book in my classes and I always tell the kids this is the case. Always exciting to hear a sixth-grader say they liked the book better than the movie!

8) Going to the grocery store and having them put all your items in myriad of plastic bags after you specifically ask for paper. Yes, they still dispense plastic bags up in Lynnwood.


Not to complain for this entire post, here are some things that made me smile this week:

- Waking up early to play with Andrew before I go to work in the morning. It is my favorite time. Even when it is 5 am

- Watching Teddy and Andrew chase one another around the ottoman.

- Actually remembering to put something in the crockpot for dinner

- Getting fresh flowers from Adam when he stopped by the store

- Going for a quick run on my way home from work

confessions of a working mom

I wrote a blog entry previously about my (temporary) "Stay-at-home-mom" status. Since then, I have ventured back to work. Without a doubt, I can squelch any debates about which role is more difficult- they are EQUALLY difficult. Both jobs require multi-tasking, decision making and attention. I feel fortunate I could stay home for the first eight months, but am a slightly bitter I had to go back when he really started getting to a fun (non-newborn) stage.

With that, here are my Confessions of my new "mom" role as a working mom:

1) I never realized how guilty I would feel about going anywhere or doing anything for myself outside of the work day. Before I had Andrew, I had full intentions to continue Crossfit, maintain my bi-weekly pedicures and catch "happy hour" with friends often. Instead I run a mile on my way home from work, my nails are chipped and we usually just take Andrew to the local Mexican place for dinner.

2) The good part about working is that I truly did miss the social interaction. By social interaction, I mean discussing things besides babies with other adults. However, since I am a teacher, this occurs  maybe an hour each day. The remainder of the day, I communicate with middle-school kids.

3) Since I work with kids all day and then am a mom at home, I am almost always on. By this, I mean there is little room for down time. You really cannot just kick back and relax around preteens or 9-month-olds, or disastrous things could happen.

4) There are times when I feel I am doing both jobs only half-way. That I am not doing the best I can do at teaching or being a mom. It is a struggle to do both well. I used to come into work early and stay late, but now I would rather get home and play with Andrew. At the same time, when I come home from work, I attempt to fit an entire day of play and fun into a few hours before bedtime.

5) Never in my life did I imagine I would be so tired. All the time.

6) It is nice to get dressed and wear nice clothes again. Although, I have decided that I no longer have a desire to sport dress pants any longer. Jeans and a top with a blazer/cardigan is good enough. I also realized I had not really gone shopping in about two years and that all of my clothes were out of style. Thank goodness for online shopping!

7) Some days, I wish I could quit my job and stay at home full-time. Other days, I am excited by what I do and the fact that I am helping other children. I am thankful for the fact that I have summers off, and that one day, I will have the same schedule as Andrew. For now though it is difficult. Teaching is not a flexible job. I cannot decide to work 4-day weeks, come in late or take off early.

8) Everyday, I worry about what I am missing Andrew do during the day. What if I miss his first step? What if he no longer is excited to see me when I come home? Although I complain about being tired, I secretly enjoy that he wakes up early enough that I can play with him for a couple hours before I go to work.

9) Although I am working, I am glad that Andrew is with his dad for most of the day. They have really bonded since Adam has been home with him more. The girl we have as a nanny several days a week is excellent and I am grateful that a friend recommended her to us! This makes me feel (a little)bit better that I am not there with him.

10)  I miss taking Andrew to Little Gym and the baby story hours at local libraries. It is great seeing him interact with other babies and have fun at the gym. Every Friday at 1:30, I REALLY wish my job was flexible and I could leave and watch him there. It sucks and often feel like there is not enough time in the day.

Every Year...

Warning- this is the most difficult thing I have ever posted. That is why it took me over a week to actually post it. I kept re-reading it, questioning if it sounded right, etc. I am not even confident it does now. It is not my typical "sarcastic" post.

7 years ago today was when I realized I was not invincible and people you love can be lost in an instant. Without warning. Until then, I assumed death was something that happened to grandparents who were old or people who were sick for a long time. One phone call changed all that.

I still remember the moment vividly. I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping on lower Queen Anne when my phone rang. It was Michelle, an old friend from high school. At first I was excited, thinking she was planning to invite me to a gathering back in Mill Creek. Instead, with sadness in her voice informed me, "there has been an accident and Kaisa passed away."

At that moment, my heart skipped a beat and denial took over. Surely, Michelle must be mistaken. Maybe Kaisa was injured and in the hospital. We would all go visit and she would there for a while but she would be okay. I had not heard about this on the news or read about it, so it was not real. My mind flashed back to years earlier when a friend was in a horrible car accident in Lake Chelan and had to be airlifted to Harbourview. She was in bad shape, but pulled through and recovered. This had to be the same as that, right?

Reality hit when I drove north and met up with a group of girls from high school. She was really gone. None of us would ever be the same. Our way of thinking would change forever. We spent the evening sharing "Kaisa" stories.. of which there were many.

Even still, I often I find my mind wandering and reflecting back on memories I have with Kaisa or see/hear things that remind me of her: Rollerblading through Mill Creek, creating "talk shows" and shooting video of them, traveling to Wenatchee and Yakima to stalk watch the baseball team, blasting the "Fugees" in the car,  and big groups of us hanging out for hours in her basement. Remembering these times bring both a smile and sadness to my face. I smile because feel fortunate for the good times we had, and sadness that there will be no more of them with Kaisa.

Sometimes I also feel angry because the last time I talked to Kaisa, we made plans to meet up for Happy Hour and catch up over my winter break. This never happened.  I wish I would have not gone so long without connecting. It is important to make time for friends and family... no matter how busy your life may seem at the time.

I find some comfort in knowing that Kaisa would be pleased that because of her, many friends who had not talked in years reached out to one another and reconnected. She would have loved to stay in Roslyn with Valerie, Carly and I two years ago. I just know she would have been the first of us to sing with the band at The Brick.

She would also have loved to meet all of the babies and kids that have arrived in the past few years. I remember Kaisa telling me once that she wanted to have a daycare when she was older and she would watch all of our children. This is something she would have been excellent at and enjoyed immensely. It is a blessing to know she is a guardian angel now to so many little ones.

For some reason, this post took me years to actually put into writing and post. It is one that I drafted over and over again in my mind (and occasionally on paper), but I never quite thought it sounded just right. How do you put something like this into words?

Kaisa was a girl who loved a good time and would want her friends to cherish the happy memories. She had so many friends and touched many people in her (too short) life. She reminds me every day that life is short and the importance of living each day to the fullest.

So, today Kaisa, as we begin 2014, I will strive to live life a little more like you did. I will keep in contact with old friends, spend quality time with family and keep dreaming big.

Confessions of a (temporary) SAHM

Wow! Where did the time go? It is already December and I head back to work in one month. Crazy. The following are thoughts, feelings, realizations and events from my short tenure as a "Stay at Home Mom."

1) Some days I wished I could be at work. Some days I wished I didn't have to go back to work. Most days I wished I had the opportunity to work part-time so I could have the best of both worlds. I am also dreading going back due to the new teaching standards and myriad changes to evaluations and testing for kids- but that is a different blog post entirely!

2) I found myself having long conversations with any adults I encountered in public- baristas, checkers at the grocery store, the mail carrier, etc.

3) On more than one occasion, I instructed Teddy (our Westie) to "watch Andrew" while I folded laundry, went to get the newspaper or emptied the dishwasher. Yeah, because Teddy is a reliable baby-sitter.

4) I am sort of miffed that I have to return to work right when Andrew is getting to such a delightful age! He is sitting up, smiles, laughs, and is generally happy. Instead I was mostly with him when he was a gassy, fussy newborn. However, I am glad I was the one to comfort him during this time.

5) Teaching prepared me, in some regards, for being a mother. I was already used to not being able to use the restroom or get food when I wanted. However, unlike teaching, there is no "plan period" where I can regroup and get ready for the rest of the day. Before I had a baby, I assumed that was what naptime was for. Wrong. Unless I never wanted to shower or clean. Or just lay on the ground.

 

 

6) Motherhood has also brought about the annoying trait of ALWAYS thinking I hear Andrew crying. Sometimes he actually is. Usually my ears are playing tricks on me. Also, why is it that men seem inherit the ability to turn a deaf ear to crying? At night, I will wake up when I hear the little man and Adam will be sleeping away peacefully.

7) Confession. I might be the worse housewife in the world. For the first 4 months I was home, I (maybe) cooked dinner a handful of times. I am a bit more organized now, but still find that run out of time, forget an item from the store or just don't feel like it because I would rather play with Andrew. Same goes with cleaning. I actually hired a woman to clean a couple times a month. I figured that I only have a limited time to stay home, so I might as well make the most of it.

8) I am terrified I will have a difficult time balancing work and home. It will be like I have two jobs and I worry that I wont be able to do both well. Also, although it might sound selfish, I worry about having time to myself. When will I work out? Go to the dentist? Or when can Adam and I go out by ourselves? I worry I will feel guilty about leaving Andrew/won't want to leave him because I will not be around him as much. Working moms- any tips would be greatly appreciated!

9) Growing up, I never really pictured myself as a "mom." In fact, when my sister and I played with dolls, we were always "teachers" and the dolls were our students. Now, I cannot picture myself not being one. It is amazing how someone so small can change your whole life.

A flexible baby?

Before having a child, I would secretly judge other parents.

I can't believe that kid is watching TV at dinner! No way would my kid watch TV in the car or at a restaurant.

Why do we have to be quiet...I am going to make sure my baby can sleep with noise!

Wow, it would be great to stay home all day- then I could have dinner made and the house cleaned and run all of the errands I need to!

I had always assumed that my baby would be easy-going and mold right into our lifestyle. A flexible baby, if you will.

Then we had Andrew, who seriously lights up our lives with a single smile. I could just stare at him for hours. However, I now get where these parent are coming from. Andrew is the sweetest (and most adorable) baby, but also quite sensitive. From birth, he had definite likes and dislikes and was not shy about voicing his opinions. Not, in other words, a flexible baby (if such a thing actually even exists).

This was first apparent when he showed a strong dislike for his car seat. I had heard the car was a mode of lulling babies to sleep. Not the case with my little guy. No sooner would you strap him into the seat, would the screaming begin. I was told he would just cry and then fall asleep. Nope. He even cried the ENTIRE way home from Sultan. Not wanting to be housebound, I researched "infants hating car seats." We tried music, feeding him a bottle, hanging toys, a Baby TV app (I know, I know...I said I would never let my kid watch TV in the car)and turning up the AC. Nothing worked. I may have even had a weak moment and purchased a brand-new convertible car seat on Amazon after reading some babies don't like the infant seats.

Well, Andrew now tolerates the car and you want to know the secret? He disliked the infant pads that came in the Chicco car seat. The pads that were suppose to make the ride more comfy for babies was making mine miserable. And, he was not shy about letting us know how he felt. I took out both the bottom and head pads and now the crying is rare. He now will even fall asleep in the car on occasion, especially if freeway driving is involved.

Speaking of sleeping, Andrew was also never a fan of simply falling to sleep on his own. Most newborns (so I am told) simply fall asleep all the time- in people's arms, while in their swings, in their car seats as their parents enjoyed a nice dinner. Even as a tiny baby, Andrew had to be rocked or walked to sleep by an actual human- not a swing. He disliked the cradle hold and would often cry if held by a stranger (or sometimes even a friend or relative). Soon, we had to learn tricks to get him to fall asleep during the day for naps. The Ergo carrier seems to work as well and as a result, I have walked 6 miles today. No joke. The good news is that Adam and I are probably getting stronger. The bad news is that it will soon be too cold and rainy to venture outside that often. I did buy an oversize gold umbrella just in case.

 

Once Andrew is down for nap, the next trick is to keep him asleep. I did say that my baby would be able to sleep with lots of noise and this is somewhat true. Andrew has slept at parties, with the TV on and while walking near loud cars. However, he does not enjoy sudden noises. And by not enjoy, I mean he hates them. This includes: the garbage disposal, Teddy's dog door, Teddy barking, the door opening and the doorbell. He is incredibly sensitive to loud noise even when awake, but if is asleep...it is almost impossible if one of these noises wakes him. One way I have solved this is to put my phone next to him with the "white noise" app on as he naps in his swing or car seat.

Like I mentioned, I often see babies sleeping at restaurants. The other day, I went on a walk with Andrew and we (okay me) decided that frozen yogurt was in order. There were two other babies around Andrews age. One was sleeping in his car seat and the other was sleeping in his mother's arms as she selected toppings. What was my man doing? Sitting on my lap, sticking his fingers in my frozen yogurt and chucking my gummy bears on the ground. I am pretty sure he enjoyed a bit of "Cake Batter" well before the pediatrician recommended he start on dairy.

This last anecdote was when I realized how much I love my inflexible baby. As he smeared bits of fro-yo on his face, people walked by and smiled at him. He smiled back, shrieking and waving his hands. They all remarked what a handsome boy he was and what a big personality he had. I thanked them and let him continue his fun. Hey, at least he enjoys eating out at restaurants as much as we do- it is in fact, one of his favorite things. He lets us know this by wanting to stand on the table and laugh and well- stick his hands in our food. I figure there is only a small window where this is cute and might as well take advantage now.

We continued on our walk soon after and I thought again about the whole "flexible baby" idea. Why would we have a kid if we wanted to do everything exactly the same as before?Andrew may not exactly fit in to the lifestyle we once had, I love how he has welcomed us into his. We have a new lifestyle now and I truly could not be happier.

Things that used to be fun...but now are not.

Sorry for the incredible lack of creativity in the title, but there really is no other way to describe this post.

In my twenties (particularly my early 20's), there were many things that I thought were amazing and could not imagine having it any other way. Now that I have entered my 30's, I see things a bit differently.

1) Staying out late on a weeknight and then going to work the following day

When my friend Chrissy and I were roommates right after graduating from WSU, we rented an apartment in lower Queen Anne. The reason for our selection? It was in walking distance to many popular bars. Since Thursday was always a fun night to go out in college, we decided to keep up this trend. However, I soon realized that dealing with 60+ middle school kids while hung-over was in no way enjoyable! Now I stick to "happy hours" during the week as they only last until 7pm or so.

2) Living in sub-par conditions (yes, that is an actual photo of my former abode)

The apartment mentioned in #1 fits this bill perfectly. It might have been in a prime location, but it was disgusting and lacked many amenities. No dishwasher, shared washer/dryer and no garbage disposal. It was also always humid inside, causing us to often discover our shoes had sprouted mold. We did not really care at the time because we were rarely home. Upon returning to collect mail after moving out, I discovered the reason for the humidity when the landlord was ripping up all of the floorboards in the unit. There was an abundance of water underneath. Don't worry it is fixed now, so if anybody is interested in living there- the name is Prestige Lane. Great memories while living there, but I now prefer a place I can actually relax in- and do my laundry with my own washer and dryer!

3) Camping at the Gorge Campground (if you can call it "camping" as there are absolutely zero trees)

During my college years, we would head to the Gorge for a three-day-long Dave Matthews Band extravaganza. After the concert each night, we would return to our tents in the dusty, hot campground where the honeybucket lines were long and there was no running water. We didn't mind-and stayed up all hours of the night, only to repeat it again the following one.

When we were about 26, Adam and I decided  to camp here again, remembering how great it was in years prior. After attempting to relive our youth (and perhaps attempting to beer bong) it was then I realized I NEVER wanted to camp there again and would gladly make the drive to Crescent Bar or Chelan following future concerts.

4) Having a late night feast after going out at night

In Pullman, after a night out, we would almost always order pizza or go to Pita Pit. It wasn't even a question of if we would indulge in a snack late night, but where to go to purchase the tasty treats. I am going to assume that these 2am meals just might have hindered my ability to stay in shape in college...especially since I continued to work out almost everyday.

AND...Things that were fun in my 20's that I still love!

1) Girls night out

Even thought I don't get to partake as often as I used to, I look forward to nights (or days) out with the ladies. Whether it is to wine taste, celebrate a birthday or just head out to happy hour, I treasure these times with my friends.

2) Wearing high heels

I know many people think I am crazy for saying this, but there is something about a heeled shoe that immediately makes me feel more put together. They can make jeans seem dressy, make your legs appear longer and take a make a casual dress appropriate for a wedding.  Heels also makes me feel as though I am a normal height, given that most of my taller friends opt for flat shoes. Since heels are not practical in all situations, the wedge is a great replacement that gives a similar feeling.

3) Listening to rap music

Nothing helps my mile time like a little Tupac or Dr. Dre. Yes, the lyrics are a bit crass for a teacher to be listening to- but something about the beat just puts me in a good mood. And yes, I can still recite all the lyrics to Warren G's "Regulate."

4) Sales

In my early 20's I was lacking the cash flow right after graduating from college (plus a lot of the money I did make went towards going out at night). Because of this, I usually only bought clothes when they were on sale. I still get a thrill when I see the 40% off rack at Banana Republic or go to purchase an item online to discover that everything is on sale that day! The only issue is that since everything gets marked down so quickly, I often feel cheated if I buy an item at full price only to discover it on clearance a week later.